What You See Isn't Always What You Get

To say the last few years have been a challenge would be putting it mildly.

Physically, it requires all my energy to just get up & get ready. I have never experienced this level of fatigue & consistent pain, making my day-to-day extremely difficult.

Mentally, I’ve had to put more work into my thoughts & feelings than into my physical disabilities.

I try my best to wake up happy & positive about the day but as of late, it’s harder. I’m tired, I’m irritated, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m disheartened, I’m frustrated & I’ve spent the last week crying.

Why?

Because these last 3 months I have been going to 8+ appointments a week, seeing Chiro, doing Physio, Pilates, Acupuncture, Massage, stretching daily, eating better, Epsom salt baths, etc. but the latest X-ray showed no change despite all this.

Because I have been diagnosed with Isthmic Spondylolysis with Spondylolisthesis, meaning the vertebrae has slipped due to the fracture, which is not able to heal on its own.

Because I have been on Lupron for almost a year & now it’s not working as well with severe cramps returning weeks before the next injection is due.

Because I can barely get a handle on one issue before another one starts.

Because I wake up & go to sleep in pain.

Because I’m full of guilt for not being there.

Because I said something I shouldn’t have.

Because I didn’t say anything when I should have.

Because I need to book in for my 4th surgery, a hysterectomy.

Because after this hysterectomy, I will have to wait 6 months before my back problem can be dealt with.

Because I am realizing how different my life has become in the last year.